Hash Trash

04/16/16 #037 Mother Udder’s Cowtown Founders Analversary

A beautiful day was picked for our #37 Mother Udders Founders Analversary, hared by the original Cowtowner himself, BLACK WATCH. We met at The Rock in Columbus; where we were having so much fun in the bar, that we didn’t start trail for two hours.

After the on-start the long long long, 6 mile trail had begun.
We get to the first check and the group was split on which direction to go. It took us quite some time to find the correct way to go. Once we found our way, we were on our way down the dangerous Cooper Road and then to the beautiful Casto park.

From here we hiked a total of 3 miles to our one and only Beer Near stop. RALPHIE THE FRAT BOY decided to make his trail a little more difficult and pushed a baby jogger. He brought a long a little commander which we called Frat boy. The boy was a trooper, we were all treated to his stories on how many trails he has been on since he was only 4-1/2 years old. I think he complained the least on the trail.

After the one and only BN stop, we found ourselves at a long False which was a trash pit in the middle of a field, which was still smoldering from being on fire (probably from the night before). Once again, we had a difficult time finding the proper way to go as we kept finding only double false starts! Some hashers did not know there was a bike trail like the one we were on, so at least they learned something new. We finally found the right way to go and away we went.

We eventually found ourselves on an abandon railroad track that was heavily wooded, looking for the next BN stop. After a 6 mile trail (if you didn’t do all the false starts. And if you did, the Fitbit numbers were in the double digits), extreme thirst was had by all because the Hare didn’t keep up with the tradition of multiple BN Stops. I had started to think this was an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) version of a hash trail. We were assured that this wasn’t an AA hash trail, and there was indeed beer at the end…..if we didn’t die of thirst before we got there.

Finally, the On-in was found and dehydration was a thing of the past! No one needed medical help for dehydration, but LADY HUMPS A LOT was at the ready, if need be. We were all treated to a delicious potluck dinner and thanks go out to everyone who brought food. Special thanks to MOON OVER MY TRUCKIE for opening her house to these half-minds so soon after moving!

The circle was conducted by WORKING MEMBER, as our RA was sunbathing at a nude beach and couldn’t be bothered with us. While conducting circle, he was sweetening the air with his multiple flatulations. The weather was so nice, that 4 hashers were spring cleaning and airing out their private parts. As the temperature dropped, the air turned chilly. What better way to warm people up than a fire pit. The Fire building was done cave style with a log that could have heated up SERIALBATER’S cabeza! A new Renegade song was sung to the tune of an OSU drinking song, and for old time’s sake the old Cowtown song was sung as well. It was an endless circle with lots of funny stories.

Hash Trash

04/09/16 #036

I feel like this one needs a theme song…cue some Starsky & Hutch or something.

Episode 36: In Which Illuminutti Plays Lost And Found

Several themes seem to be developing lately with the ol’ Renegade hash. One of which is a general inability to assess the operating hours of the intended muster/on-in sites. Your author is himself guilty of this…but that was in January, which is practically last year, so who cares, right? Right. At any rate, it’s like a part of trail is finding the beer or something…who knew?

But anyway, this is about the piece of crap tossed around by LICK HER AGUAN. You’d think a guy who has hared half the trails he shows up for would know how to get shit done, but noooooooo. Despite the on-start shifting more than the sands in the Sahara, we were joined by two hashers who had been lurking about town; GOOD VIBRATIONS and LOW MAN ON THE SCROTUM POLE from OTH4 in DC. We welcomed them and proceeded to do our best to scare them off.

We gathered in Jordan’s Pub Scotch & Soda Jordan’s Pub, where we were all flattered by the bartender ID’ing everyone (well, not ILLUMINUTTI…keep your shit up to date folks), but not so flattered by the service in general. Because of this, we wanted to leave a bar?!? and a hash actually got started on time..or at least the “well, my watch says” on time of the 70s since we’re going with that theme. Our RA actually showed up for this trail, so the sun was shining at the start, but her prior sins would come back to haunt both us and her later.

Trail led kinda south, then kinda east across Morrison Rd. immediately to the first of many picture checks at questionable locations. Thanks for having us document the rental office of an apartment complex, Herr Hare. It was at this point we’d noticed that ILLUMINUTTI was lost, but no matter, we assured our newcomers…he’d be back. Now trail reads like a property deed…hence through said marks to a PC, whereupon twelve paces forthright he shall find a mailbox. Whatever, we took a picture in front of a fucking mailbox.

Thankfully after that the BN was right across the parking lot. As usual SERIALBATER put on his rocket shoes and we all enjoyed a nice beer, even as the snow began to fall hard. Thanks, IMMACULATE PROJECTION. Magically, ILLUMINUTTI appeared out of nowhere to fill up on more beer before disappearing again.

Eventually trail lead to a break in a fence toward a truly back alley bar. Alas, it wasn’t open, so the battle was on…one trunk beer and the FRBs vs. a charging SERIALBATER…well he won while we waited for it to open.

We got in the place and played nice for a few, and while it’s a dive bar, it’s not really hash friendly. But cheers to the owner for buying us all a shot, good on you there. But we decided to move the on-after to DUM BASS’ dead hooker storage emporium. It was there the true hash crimes were committed…the hare had DISAPPEARED!! That’s something like a loophole in hash law…you’ll drink for that…if we remember it later…sneaky fucker.

Anyway, circle was conducted, Immaculate lived up to the Projection, one can only assume the lost parties are still alive. On-on until next week.

Itchy Bitsy

Hash Trash

03/19/16 #034 Green Dress Run

Imagine a world, if you can, where it takes three miles to get to the first beer near. As if that’s not scary enough, picture this hellscape occurring on a Green Dress Run. You know, the one that commemorates St. Patrick’s Day…as in the holiday famous for green…BEER? Crazy talk, right? Well, were it not for the violent protests of the sane members of Renegade & friends, this nightmare would have been a reality.

Trail #034 of the Renegade Hash House Harriers Columbus, and the first Green Dress Run, took place on March 19, 2016 in downtown Columbus, courtesy of POOL TOOL and BROWN ‘N RUNNY. Your humble author doesn’t feel like taking his socks off to continue counting, so let’s just say we had a dozen and a half or so folks in attendance. As is becoming a quite welcome habit, Dayton H3 sent a recon party; BEAMER, FIDO, DEEP SWALLOWS and I M CUMMING (we are beginning to wonder their true motives…hmmmm…)

The gang started trickling in to the Grass Skirt Tiki Room, where brunch and drinks were on order. There will never be another Kahiki but the Grass Skirt is no slouch for a Polynesian fix. The weather was decidedly non-tropical, however, therefore our RA was conveniently absent so as to avoid blame. After getting lubed up, chalk talk started right on time (heh), but not before DEEP SWALLOWS was gifted a $30 welcome postcard from the city. Surely he can tell the judge “The hare said it was OK to not feed the meter, your honor!”

At chalk talk it was learned there would be a T/E split, with the turkey heading toward the beer near, but the eagle had cooler picture opportunities. It was then the subject of the three-mile horror was breached. By this point, the words/beer ratio was getting dangerously out of balance, so we bitched until POOL TOOL decided to set up an emergency beer near at a more reasonable mile-and-a-half or so. This decision would prove to be quite memorable. After finishing chalk talk, HOWDY COCKY and BURNING BUSH couldn’t wait for the rest of us to unfuck the parking situation and took off early less late than the balance of the pack.

Trail led toward CCAD, where there were indeed several picture opportunities, then to the Old Deaf School Topiary Park. Green dresses posed with green figures, then the pack was on-on to the impromptu beer near. A trunk full of beer awaited parched mouths, so we did what hashers do best…drink and sing. Apparently the neighbors whose parking lot we appropriated did not care for our presence, for around verse 17 of Jesus Can’t Go Hashing we noticed one of Columbus’ finest slowly circling the block, lights flashing. His kindness in obeying the posted speed limit while doing his warning lap gave us time to stash our now empty vessels in the trunk. It went something like this:

    Officer Friendly: Hi, what’s going on here?
    Hash House Harriers: Just out jogging around, stopped to rest and sing a song for the Lord.
    OF: Well…(seeing a dozen green dresses)…got a call there was drinking going on, but I don’t see any alcohol. You guys stay out of trouble, OK?
    H3: Yes, sir…we’ll be on our way.

Good job, Columbus PD. We’d have offered you a beer, but then you’d have to arrest us.

Being duly refreshed the pack then stopped at the HQ of the Ohio Republican Party so we could be patriotic or some shit. Then on to the meat of downtown, the riverfront. A nice jog on the newly reclaimed Scioto Mile led to some completely appropriate gestures with some animal statues. Further on the trail we found the central headquarters of the police department, so we could repay their kindness by doing some sexy poses on top of their sign. Soon we stumbled across the original beer near, at Elevator Brewery. Piss was wasted early on when beer was spilled across a table of Cards Against Humanity, but we enjoyed ourselves. But as all good things must come to an end, the trail must go on.

On-on to Old Town East, winding through the historic housing, until we found on-in at Carabar. Our hares wondered what took us so long, as if it wasn’t a shitty six mile trail with shiny things to distract us. We were joined by our absentee RA, who conducted circle. She called out our virgin, distributed down-downs, and generally acted as if she’d been there the whole time. After more drinks were had, circle was closed and the party moved on, leaving only blue chalk in its wake.

Admittedly this particular write-up is long and shitty, but please understand; as hard as this has been to read, imagine how bad the trail must have been. Thank the deity of your choosing we have a couple weeks before imposing this bullshit upon humanity again.

As always,

Hash Trash

03/13/16 #033.69 Deep Swallows’ Surprise

So there we were, minding our own business on a peaceful Saturday night, when Deep Swallows got shitfaced in DAYTON and decided he wanted to hare a trail in Columbus the next fucking day. Sure, why not? How bad can it be?

Dear friends, please allow me to quote from our website:

    WHO: Renegade Hash House Harriers Columbus
    WHAT: Trail #033.69
    WHEN: March 13, 2016
    HARES: Deep Swallows
    MUSTER: 3pm
    WHERE: Lovell’s Tavern, 4265 Alum Creek Drive, Columbus OH 43207
    TRAIL: A to A
    HASH CASH: $5
    BRING: you will swim
    POISON SHIGGY: minimal
    WATER SHIGGY: You will drown….hope you can swim

When the Lord passes judgment on us all, He will know only the first four lines of that ended up being true, and may His divine providence be enough to spare Deep Swallows. We actually ended up in the parking lot of a laundromat/weight room/tax service center where trunk beer was had, because some people don’t bother checking whether the on start is OPEN ON SUNDAY.

Trail led south, then a bit east into a park/archery range. Of course, no one was paying attention, so trail was lost a few times. Give it up for the walkers…follow marks, not people, you fools! Speaking of the archery range, our beer near was on a ridge nearby where some trail treasure in the form of misguided arrows were found. Thanks for trying to get us killed, Mr. Hare.

From there trail wound around a lake, amusing the many anglers along the way, up to railroad tracks (of course) and back to a neighborhood where trail was lost yet again because after a few beers ON-ON and ON-ONE sound the same. Some wandering about ensued, where some folks ended up in back yards of perplexed neighbors, and others wandered to within feet of short cutting trail without knowing. Eventually the ship righted itself and we were heading through a neighborhood to the on-in, petting stray cats along the way.

Circle was held in the backyard of an abandoned house, because of course it was. Songs were sung, down-downs were had, all was right with the world. Shitty trail, Deep Swallows…come back and do it again sometime!

Hash Trash

02/20/16 #032 Renegade Beer Fest Trail

The 32nd edition of the Renegade Hash House Harriers Columbus, hared by Dangerous Dismount and Battery Operated Boyfriend, began on a beautiful warm winter day out in the countryside of Johnstown. The locals were blessed with hashers from nearby Dayton H3: Jimmy Buffet and the Shit Stained Penis, Deep Swallows, Fido, Beamer (Bitch Moan Whine), and Goes Down on the Tip.

The trail started out with extremely soggy ground and lots and lots of mud. At the first BN we were graced with excellent stories on how our visitors earned their names. Shrimp was part of the story; but that’s all we will say. After all the beer was gone, we were off to the next BN.

The trail took us to our next BN stop which happened to be a horse farm, where the only swallows in the barn was Deep Swallows, who got to pet his first horse. The barn had many horses to keep us occupied while we were drinking the cold beverages. The boys decided to leave their mark in the horse stall. Some had never been in a horse barn, let alone had the opportunity to urinate in a stall (since every guy is hung like a horse, right??) They can now scratch that off their bucket list!!

To get to the SN stop, we crossed a muddy corn field, a small creek and headed deep into the woods. We passed a deer stand, to which two members apparently had “climb a deer stand in the middle of the woods”, on their bucket list. That is now scratched off the list, along with a full “moon” trail, to put it nicely.

The SN stop had a bottle of Fire Ball, in a camouflage flask; so fitting for our environment. The Fire Ball didn’t stand a chance with this group!! We also got to see a “show” with a squirrel and his nuts. Quite entertaining!!

We took off again looking for our 3rd BN stop. After running back thru the woods, B.O.B. was waiting for us with sleds and more beers. Even though there was no more snow left on the ground, the hill had plenty of wet leaves. A few half minds took to the hill and went flying down the on the saucer. After all the thrill seeking was done,we headed out of the woods. We traipsed thru another muddy cornfield back to the On-In.

Serialbater was the RA for the day, since our usual RA had other things to do that day (and should drink for it later). After the circle was done, we had excellent food provided by B.O.B. Thanks BOB!!

After dinner, the Renegade Beer Fest began. We sampled many types of beer and lots of shenanigans were the air that night. I would say we got to see A LOT of the Dayton << DELETED BY FACEBOOK>> that night, and us girls really appreciated that.

The shitty trail was over and the Beer Fest was a success, and all in attendance felt sorry for the other hashers who missed it. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Godspeed your further trails,
Dangerous Dismount

Hash Trash

01/29/16 #030 I Like It Small’s Virgin Lay

The Renegade bunch met on January 29, 2016 at Rambling House Soda Pop for what’s called the Growler Crawl, although no one knew that beforehand. We were told to bring our hipster finest for the band (lol), and although most of the crew ignored instructions (as usual), we were not disappointed by the show on stage. Indeed, there was not a finer collection of knitted caps in the 614. But the cute toddler dancing about made up for the singing. Kinda.

But enough about that. This is about the trail. Gentle reader, I feel it’s time for a confession. Your hash trash today isn’t via the usual Double D, since she couldn’t be bothered to attend. So, the only thing shittier than your author’s writing ability is the trail chosen by the hares, Immaculate Projection and I Like It Small.

So there we were, outside Portlandia East, headed east, over to Indianola Ave. The trail turned north for several intersections, at many of which was a check where Itchy Bitsy found the false each time. Eventually the trail led down steps to the Glen Echo Ravine, where no one has ever lost their virginity, ever. There we found a tasty growler, some vessels, and some orange food. It was at this stop our virgin hare, I Like It Small, invited us to stick our hands in her box (of fries).

After Working Member couldn’t break the ice we headed out, back up the steps, and down the road to Weber Rd. where we found a check for the ages near a park. Apparently up means up, as NFHN Rocky scaled a tree looking for clues! It was also where Working Member earned his trail treasure – a handheld game that actually worked!

After a bullshit arrow that looked like an F, trail was found along a fence leading down to Walhalla Rd. Nifty place for a trail. The hares found a nice bridge over the creek for hiding the next BN, where there was another growler. This was the stop where you’d think we were smoking pot…NFHN Rocky learned about Alice in Wonderland, I Like It Small tasted sugar wafers, and we all stared at the stars.

After that there was a minor issue on the trail regarding which side of the street the trail was on, but NFHN Rocky saved the day, so we found our way to the on-in, with old-ass beer and cards against humanity awaiting.

At the on-in, Cockpit and Meats In The Parking Lot showed up for the festivities and played cards with us. Fun and drinks were had. Until next time, you’re all wankers 🙂 and I remain,

Yours Truly,
Itchy Bitsy

Hash Trash

01/23/16 #029 Itchy Lady Trail

The Renegades started trail #29 at Dick’s Last Resort with 15 half minds on January 23rd, 2016. We welcomed Pumps Till It Burns from Dayton, I Like It Small from Madras India, and Swizzle Sticks Before Chicks from Indiana.

After lunch and libations the ‘shitty’ trail was off to a cold start. The trail weaved around downtown and stopped at the Arena District where our hares Itchy Bitsy and Lady Humps A Lot had a very yummy “peppermint” flavored hot cocoa.

After warming us up a bit, they had a wonderful surprise for us: we were going ice skating. Off we went for an adventure! We had a few falls but thankfully no breaks or serious mishaps.

After skating a while, we warmed up by the fire and sang some songs… ‘hasher’ style.

We continued our pilgrimage thru downtown and eventually landed on the top floor of a parking garage for the BN stop and some orange food.

After re-fueling we found our way down stairs and to the monument that marks the “Center of Known Civilization Franklin County” where we downed a bottle of Honey Whiskey; once again warming us up.

We continued through the Arena District for our on-in only to find that the bar didn’t want our business and was closed. We persevered, as hashers do, and ended up at the Park Street Tavern for the on-in. Of course there was lots of fun, beer drinking and singing to be had.
One of our out of town visitors (Swizzle Sticks Before Chicks) had just way too much fun and slept with the porcelain God for a few hours. Luckily, never making Battery Operated Boyfriend regret lending a helping hand (and sleeping space) for him to crash the night.
Hats off to our hares for an shitty excellent trail.

Your scribe,
Dangerous Dismount

Hash Trash

12/19/15 #027 Renegade’s Christmas Event

On Saturday December 19th, 2015 16 hashers showed up for the debauchery starting out with the tasting of 15 beers. What a way to warm up your insides as the temperature outside was 25 degrees.

The group was bundled up and fired up to start this shitty trail that was set by hares Serialbater and Dangerous Dismount.

1st stop: A BN stop that was filled with cold beer and Christmas Carols…Hash Style. We lost Moon Over My Truckie and NFHN Fujio after a false trail strayed too close to the on-start deciding “No trail, just more beer for them”.

2nd stop: A SN stop with some Grape Pucker hidden by the previously borrowed stone pig!

3rd stop: A BN stop with a gorgeous view of the Scioto River. But too cold to swim, so Lady Humps A Lot decided if we weren’t going to swim she was heading home (and she did so in the hare car.)

4th stop: A BN stop in a cozy spot before having to climb up a rocky cliff. But, before that happened, we all got to see Working Member climb and then straddle a tree. Could he have been trying to hide his own “wood”?

The group proceeded to go thru fields, hills and a lot of bramble before being atop a huge hill. Immaculate Projection, Knitta Please, and Dum bAss decided that rolling down this hill was not for the faint of heart and decided to give it a try. Can you say “beer shake in the belly”?

Soon the hares left a trail shitty enough for the group to find their way back to the on-in. But not before Itchy Bitsy, Dum bAss and Working Member were able to come up with some great finds of some pumpkins. I think they were going to do sinister things to them later, but no pictures were taken to prove such a thing.

The on-in circle was conducted by the RA, Immaculate Projection, where a lot of punishment by beer drinking was performed.

During the on-in, two of our nameless hashers were inducted into the hashing world where they received some very fitting names: NFHN Fujio became “Ultraman” and Virginish Cecilia became “Battery Operated Boyfriend”. Just ask them why they deserved those names!!

All the hashers ate in style with food prepared by Beave It To Cleavage, BOB and DD and by everyone else who contributed to the buffet. AND we can’t forget the incredibly delicious (and fattening) Egg-nog; that was to die for. Dangerous Dismount thought she died and went to heaven after drinking numerous glasses. Leggo My Preggo and Priority Male joined the party post-circle.

The debauchery continued during the unusual reading of the “White Elephant Gift Exchange Poem”. And the gifts were unusual and some just can’t be put into print…right Priority Male & Itchy Bitsy?

Your faithful scribe,

Dangerous Dismount