Imagine a world, if you can, where it takes three miles to get to the first beer near. As if that’s not scary enough, picture this hellscape occurring on a Green Dress Run. You know, the one that commemorates St. Patrick’s Day…as in the holiday famous for green…BEER? Crazy talk, right? Well, were it not for the violent protests of the sane members of Renegade & friends, this nightmare would have been a reality.
Trail #034 of the Renegade Hash House Harriers Columbus, and the first Green Dress Run, took place on March 19, 2016 in downtown Columbus, courtesy of POOL TOOL and BROWN ‘N RUNNY. Your humble author doesn’t feel like taking his socks off to continue counting, so let’s just say we had a dozen and a half or so folks in attendance. As is becoming a quite welcome habit, Dayton H3 sent a recon party; BEAMER, FIDO, DEEP SWALLOWS and I M CUMMING (we are beginning to wonder their true motives…hmmmm…)
The gang started trickling in to the Grass Skirt Tiki Room, where brunch and drinks were on order. There will never be another Kahiki but the Grass Skirt is no slouch for a Polynesian fix. The weather was decidedly non-tropical, however, therefore our RA was conveniently absent so as to avoid blame. After getting lubed up, chalk talk started right on time (heh), but not before DEEP SWALLOWS was gifted a $30 welcome postcard from the city. Surely he can tell the judge “The hare said it was OK to not feed the meter, your honor!”
At chalk talk it was learned there would be a T/E split, with the turkey heading toward the beer near, but the eagle had cooler picture opportunities. It was then the subject of the three-mile horror was breached. By this point, the words/beer ratio was getting dangerously out of balance, so we bitched until POOL TOOL decided to set up an emergency beer near at a more reasonable mile-and-a-half or so. This decision would prove to be quite memorable. After finishing chalk talk, HOWDY COCKY and BURNING BUSH couldn’t wait for the rest of us to unfuck the parking situation and took off
early less late than the balance of the pack.
Trail led toward CCAD, where there were indeed several picture opportunities, then to the
Old Deaf School Topiary Park. Green dresses posed with green figures, then the pack was on-on to the impromptu beer near. A trunk full of beer awaited parched mouths, so we did what hashers do best…drink and sing. Apparently the neighbors whose parking lot we appropriated did not care for our presence, for around verse 17 of Jesus Can’t Go Hashing we noticed one of Columbus’ finest slowly circling the block, lights flashing. His kindness in obeying the posted speed limit while doing his warning lap gave us time to stash our now empty vessels in the trunk. It went something like this:
- Officer Friendly: Hi, what’s going on here?
Hash House Harriers: Just out jogging around, stopped to rest and sing a song for the Lord.
OF: Well…(seeing a dozen green dresses)…got a call there was drinking going on, but I don’t see any alcohol. You guys stay out of trouble, OK?
H3: Yes, sir…we’ll be on our way.
Good job, Columbus PD. We’d have offered you a beer, but then you’d have to arrest us.
Being duly refreshed the pack then stopped at the HQ of the Ohio Republican Party so we could be patriotic or some shit. Then on to the meat of downtown, the riverfront. A nice jog on the newly reclaimed Scioto Mile led to some completely appropriate gestures with some animal statues. Further on the trail we found the central headquarters of the police department, so we could repay their kindness by doing some sexy poses on top of their sign. Soon we stumbled across the original beer near, at Elevator Brewery. Piss was wasted early on when beer was spilled across a table of Cards Against Humanity, but we enjoyed ourselves. But as all good things must come to an end, the trail must go on.
On-on to Old Town East, winding through the historic housing, until we found on-in at Carabar. Our hares wondered what took us so long, as if it wasn’t a shitty six mile trail with shiny things to distract us. We were joined by our absentee RA, who conducted circle. She called out our virgin, distributed down-downs, and generally acted as if she’d been there the whole time. After more drinks were had, circle was closed and the party moved on, leaving only blue chalk in its wake.
Admittedly this particular write-up is long and shitty, but please understand; as hard as this has been to read, imagine how bad the trail must have been. Thank the deity of your choosing we have a couple weeks before imposing this bullshit upon humanity again.