Hash Trash

Wetlands, indeed

P-I-S-S-I-N’ on your tra-a-il…Pissy trail, it sucked. Pissy trail, it blew…etc.

Started at Lineage on a nice enough day, too bad it went downhill after that. The pack blew past a beer near (some say it was sabotage) and found the cemetery booze, along with tasty snacks. Cemeteries are becoming a thing it seems…

Thence on to the aforementioned pissing spot for another beer near, because renegade. And after that, a relocated beer near because of the missed one. Score one for laying dead trails!

On in was somehow shittier than the trail itself, since our RA was the hare, then drunken hashers were set loose upon Columbus.

What better way to honor the wartime death of hashing’s founder than to get drunk in a cemetery for the insane, right? Right?!?!?

That was the original plan, anyway. Then your humble author and my capable co-hare PUMPS TIL IT BURNS decided to lay trail live, even though one of us is lazier than a pet coon. It was then the plan was hatched…a gummi heart, made out of red wine and vodka, that everyone could eat…in the cemetery.

Everyone met at Sideswipe Brewing for a hearty prelube, then the hares were off. As for the trail, I can’t tell you a thing…I suppose it was perfectly laid and the rainbows we planted at every check sprouted right on time to greet the pack. All I know is some people seemingly gave birth on trail, because not only did they take forever in getting to the cemetery, there were three fully grown men that weren’t there when the hares took off.

Whatever, we entertained all cummers and h*aded to on-in, where pizza was delivered right as circle started. Have I mentioned the hares for this particular trail are fucking geniuses? Circle itself was the usual shitshow, naming people for no good reason and whatnot. I’m not sure anyone even remembers some of the names we gave out.

I suppose the usual snark can be dispensed with just this once, as we actually got our shit together and did a good thing. We met at Pins Mechanical Co. after the call was put out to bring hats and scarves to the event, in exchange for free beer. Your humble hares had no idea what they’d done.

Usually, with the hash, this would be full of beer bottles

Some people went above and beyond

We spent our pre-lube time putting these on everything

The theme for this trail was simple. Gather hats and scarves, get hashers drunk, then tell them to go play in trafficdistribute the loot. And that’s exactly what happened. The hares worried people wouldn’t have fun…WTF were they thinking?

At least the blanket didn’t end up on a statue of an Indian…

Most pictures of this had someone’s bare ass in it

A Beamer pic where she’s not pretending to blow something O__O

Step 1: Get drunk
Step 2: Find Statehouse
Step 3: Climb statues
Somehow no arrests were made

It’s not a proper hash unless a wedding is interrupted

Good job, hashers. Everyone had a blast and left with a warm feeling inside. I’d love to say it was because of the difference we made, but it was probably the endless free beer. It was decided to make this a yearly event, so start saving your shit now!

These were the leftovers, donated to a homeless shelter

The idea seemed simple enough…meet for a trail to celebrate The Game between Ohio State and Michigan. Problems include: 1.) Hashers 2.) Beer 3.) A 7am trail 4.) All of the above

Like all good hashers, the D is good and proper. 7am seemed like a good time to start trail, why not, we are professionals in our chosen line of work (that’d be drinking, fyi). That should be early enough to beat traffic and prelube and gather everyone together, right?

We were told to gather at the venerable Bier Stube to welcome our out of town visitors. This is a good summary of the place. At 7am.

Wait, we'll get it right by the 4th quarter

Wait, we’ll get it right by the 4th quarter

And bless the hearts of the Michigan folks that showed up, they were there before any of us and were relegated to the back of the bus bar, but had the beer flowing.

Gather up, run trail, drink beer. Seems simple, right? Except this being Renegade, the hares were nowhere to be found. And when they were located, didn’t know where they were going. Or anything else, for that matter. Par for the course, really. Once we figured out a thing, chalk talk was held and trail was off!

First beer near was in the parking lot of the bar and got us chased off by a bartender worried about his liquor license…such a prude. Fortunately a random hasher (ahem) and his sidekick had hot chocolate and some tasty condiments a few blocks away.

Live trail was laid to the warm beverages, then it all went to hell. The hares took off, but the pack didn’t bother to wait, so checks were useless.

On-In, amirite?

On-on to campus itself, where the white stuff being tossed was once again looked upon with happiness and glee

White tossers, indeed

Then a hare decided to buy tickets to the game, so things really went downhill. We actually managed to follow trail after singing about Jesus, and made it to the on-in, where the crowd erupted and four F-16s flew over circle.

did someone say “went down”

Your turn, MoA2H3. You can’t fuck it up worse than this.

Continuing with the theme of our trails being #2, LEGGO MY PREGGO and SERIALBATER decided to hare a trail in honor of the second meeting of Nebraska and Ohio State in the Shoe. How did it go, you ask?

Nothing to see here, move along. Quite weird to say that as a citizen to a government official

Nothing to see here, move along. Quite weird to say that as a citizen to a government official

It really didn’t get better from there. We migrated toward campus and met hashers in circle that weren’t on trail and lost hashers on trail that weren’t in circle. Win win? Sure, why not.

So there we were, sitting at our customary day #2 (as in shitty) on the WORLD FAMOUS FIVE-DAY HASHOWEEN CRAWL (I’m trademarking that btw). The hare actually thought (for once) about our northern brethren and held the crawl on the north side of town to make it easier for the arrivals. And arrive we all did, in costumed glory.



We noshed on catered Chipotle and more importantly beer, then set out on a pub crawl. Eerie pub crawls are a million miles long. Renegade pub crawls have the first stop in the parking lot of a major bank’s regional HQ. See, we do it right…a car was costumed as a bar for Halloween…yeah, that’s the story. Fuck you, lesser pub crawls!

Even the marks wore costumes smh

Even the marks wore costumes smh

On to a bro bar where I’m not sure we were welcome but fuck it, money spends. We didn’t linger, but hydration is important for the long haul.

That time when you don't know whether it's a Halloween pic or just a regular hash pic

That time when you don’t know whether it’s a Halloween pic or just a regular hash pic

Off to some place I can’t remember, other than picking up some already drunk gentlemen. Some were ready to go along for the ride and have a blast. I just remember New York dude for his accent and general willingness to just jump in to the middle of our shitshow and go along for the ride.

So then off to a mega bar, with New York in tow. Karaoke was involved, so leave it to hashers to rush the stage. Also leave it to hashers to discover back alleys and hidden passages or whatever between bars when they’re tired of karaoke (they were probably well marked hallways, but beer was involved…) Anyway, some of us wormed our way into closed sections of restaurants, and then further into a bar with a mechanical bull. It was mysteriously out of service that night. The real trail allegedly went outside and back towards the On-In, but those who were there know the real trail went through many more interesting places

Another satisfied customer

Another satisfied customer

Waaaaaaaaay back at Nash Hash, DANCING FOOL promised us he’d stop by sometime and set a trail in our honor. Being the drunken idiots we are, those words were remembered in a fuzzy and “hey wouldn’t that be cool” kind of way. So there we were, after the prophecies came true, with the man himself.

SERIALBATER brought the offspring and some trash bags so we could do a half assed job at picking up a thing along the trail, and so off we went. Trail led across the road to a beer near in the Kroger parking lot, thereby lulling us into a false sense of security. Could this be another Renegade-style “one beer near per mile” style trail…?

the pack during happier times, aka when beer was at hand

the pack during happier times, aka when beer was at hand

Nooooooooooooope to the nope. We just didn’t know that yet. So on we soldiered, through bits of scrub and brush, picking up trash along the way. Note to self: that jug is filled with piss. No matter what jug, it’s filled with piss…???? After a bit our visitor, whose name I can’t be arsed to remember after a month and a shitload of beer, had to leave with MOON OVER MY TRUCKIE to get to the airport. As it would turn out, they were the smartest of the bunch.

Trail led behind shopping centers and through parking lots and generally meandered back to a culvert under Broad Street, over to a creek. Oh yay, real shiggy! Through the woods and a little water (who cares if the water wasn’t really on trail) and back to the bar we started at. Oh yay! On-in!

Nooooooooooooope. Our On-Start was also another beer near. You shifty little shit. By the point, the little ones were in no shape to continue trail, so the pack dwindled further. After quenching our thirst, trail continued…how hard could it be?

Whoops. Those that were there know, after that beer near the hare must have hulked out or something, because things went downhill fast. Right back into Shit Creek (it has a mommy given name, but no longer) and sure, why not, let’s stay in the water for a long ass time. At least we found this historical monument, hidden from public view for some weird reason.

May future generations continue to honor this place for its significance

May future generations continue to honor this place for its significance

Oh, we were bitching about water? How about the god damned brambles on the other side of the road, which your author totally doesn’t still have stuck up his ass a month after trail. How about that, mister hare? And why not, just for good measure, make it fucking rain on us.

I've got your bucket of gold ***RIGHT HERE***

I’ve got your bucket of gold ***RIGHT HERE***

So the herd had been culled and the true hashers persevered to on-in, most graciously hosted by a friend of the hare. Only then did we learn the guy was the seventh Brutus Buckeye! We were having circle with royalty! Many thanks to DANCING FOOL and Brutus emeritus for the trail and hospitality…it was shitty and awesome, respectively.

On-on, you wankasses

*wakes up*
*here are your hares*

*does math in head* Fuck my life

*does math in head*
Fuck my life

Soooo, we thought we’d invade Dayton and hare a trail for them. Buck Creek sounded like a good place, being closer to them than halfway and all. Little did we know the place is already used to our type.

Trail started without molestation and I suppose went as scheduled. Honestly, here I am writing this shit as a hare that was miles down the road. Then it went some more ways to a beer near in the woods near a closed marina. After that I guess the pack got lost (or said fuck it, either one) and meandered toward the base of the dam to a shot near that most people missed. There were several complaints about this section. As always, blame Bater. He laid that part.

A lot of people ended up on the road and I honestly have no idea what happened for a few minutes. At this point every hare that laid anything including a pussy was a goddamn asshole in my mind…and yet there they were, making stuff happen. Damn you hashers, you persevere.

It really was a beautiful day all around

It really was a beautiful day all around

After the somewhat missed beer near in the woods, there was the shot near (we Renegade folks like alcohol, ok?) that was stolen by the runners. Oh yeah, there might have been a YBF in there. And the bit on the railroad tracks…sorry not sorry.

At least the pudding shots reappeared at the on-in. Speaking of the on-in,

Can you believe it?

Can you believe it?

We had circle, gifts and down-downs were awarded, and generally shit happened. Perhaps this can be an annual thing, eh Dayton?